Today during my God time I received a bit of insight as to what makes me who I was… Why I need to control. As I child I found that in order to bring control to my world, I was the one who needed to be the peace maker. Being the oldest girl the task fell to me to keep things running while mom was away. Unfortunately my other siblings didn’t always make it easy when I was in charge. I remember the frustration of just trying to get them to do what I wanted and feeling so inadequate when they refused to comply, I remember the dread of being in trouble when the parents did get home if things were not done as ordered, and the overwhelming feelings of the burden of keeping order even if it meant doing it myself just to keep the peace. I remember how lost I felt, how I wanted so much to get away from it all…. This has carried on into my adult world. I find myself constantly trying to fix any situation that I feel may be out of control or that brings discomfort just to keep the peace.
I have short changed you in the process God. I have fought you so that things look okay on the outside and never took into account that the chaos was a gift from you to bring healing and holiness within.
Lord, I also read that you changed Jacob’s name. You changed him from who he was to who you called him to be. Lord by what name do you call me? I see who I was, but I was wondering, who am I to you?
Yet, isn’t that the same question that you are asking me? Who do you say that I am? And in all honesty I would love to call you Lord and Master of my life. I would love to say that you have full control but I know that that would be a lie. I tend to fight you at every step no matter what my heart longs for. So instead I call you friend. You are one who walks with me and sees in me what I don’t dare see in myself. You are the one who dares me to let go of what brings me comfort so that you can unleash in me what brings me freedom.
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