Oh the places we will go.

Oh the places we will go... sounds like a line from a Dr. Seuss book, and it very well may be.

I am encouraged, yet afraid as I walk this journey I am on. So much revealed, so much uncovered, so much learned, yet so much more to go.

I knew when God whispered the words for this year "Learning to live intentionally" into my heart that it would take me places that I would be uncomfortable with... Little did I know that it would start so soon and be so personal! ( I should have known better! :) )

For the past couple of days the feeling of just being lost. My sweet love of my life has taken on a project of redoing a small fishing boat and so has been absent from our day to day living of life. I spent the time wandering aimlessly through the house, taking care of things that needed to be done but in my heart lost and empty.

Then I get an email from a fellow blogger (Faith Barista) and my heart begins to stir.


Yet it wasn't until later while walking with my dear husband along the banks of the Feather River that I began to understand the stirring that was taking place.

And the sweet whispers in my darkness begin to come.

For so long I have been the one to keep the peace.... to be the pleaser... to make things happen so that others can be happy. To be the mom, long before I ever was one.

So much so that now at age 49, with kids grown and gone, I am lost if I do not have an expectation to live up to. I know how to take care of people... I know how to make them feel welcome, loved, and laugh... What I have lost is the ability to know how to make myself happy. I don't know how to function without someone to please.

As this understanding began to be revealed, my first response was the same as any other time when Jesus wants to walk with me through the pain... Wrestle the door knob out of his hand and slam and lock the door. Yet this time was different...

As I stood there and had hold of the knob instead of wrestling, I chose to let go... I stepped away from the unlocked door and out of Jesus' way. I give you access Lord, I don't know what all you will find there when you go in...It may even be a scene out of the show hoarders! but I am letting you in and willing to walk with you through the pain.

and it is there that hope, begins to come and I am reminded of the scripture I read earlier

“I have heard your prayer;
I have seen your tears.
I will heal you.” ~ 2 Kings 20:5

New Year... New Beginnings... I LIKE IT!

Ah the freshness of a new year and the possibilities that lie ahead. I think this is one of my personal favorite times of the year, only to be topped by Christmas.

Every year at this time I awake and ask God what we will be working on. He usually gives me a topic for the year, and this year is no different. In the past it has been things like "truth in my inward parts" or "Do you want to be safe, or do you want to live." This year it is " learning to live intentional"

I am excited for what lies ahead, however I have learned some things along the way... The most relevant being two fold... this road will not be how I expect it to be and in the end it will be well worth it!

For me what I see is learning to live like I have never lived before. I tend to swing between being the ostrich and the control freak... I stick my head in the sand whenever there is any difficulty that heads my way, only to peek out and then try to grab hold and control every little aspect of a situation making sure to smother every bit of life out of it!

I am thinking that God has a better way that He wants to teach me. Taking me to a place that will in the long run bring peace in the midst of any place he chooses to bring me to. Learning to rely on his direction and enjoying the ride along the way.

You are invited to come along with me on my journey... I will be as open as I possibly can...even in the hard places.

Handmaiden vs Warrior Princess

Life has been full of exciting changes lately... An ending of one longggggg season and the beginning of another. This is true both in the natural and in the spiritual.

Things are changing inside of me and although it is hard at times, there is a peace and assurance that it is for the better.

Yesterday, I walked outside to spend some time with the Lord. I have been learning how to control my emotions, how to speak words of blessing instead of cursing, and walking in who I am created to be. I am learning the difference between living by the Spirit and living by my heart.

I was sitting by the pool just opening up to God. I had read that the best way to control emotion is to praise. So I gave it a try.... I opened my heart, opened my mouth and sang what was in my heart.

It was during this time that the familiar voice of my God spoke to my heart.

I write these things not to boast, but to remind myself of who I am. I share these things with those who may read this to give hope that you also will embrace what God is speaking to you.

He said "You have captured the heart of your King and I have chosen you to be my handmaiden." To serve me personally in my courts. You no longer are to try and be who others have called you to be, you are to rest in the fact that you are mine. I have kept you for myself. Although there are times in your life that will call you to stand, I have not called you to be a warrior. I will fight your battles. My anointing rests on you. Live in who I have called you to be.

I have looked up what a handmaiden is: It is a servant set aside to tend to the wishes of a specific person.

Lord;

I am your handmaiden. I will gladly take up the position and minister to you.
I am honored to serve my King.

The Struggle of Faith

The struggle to stay afloat in this world called Faith sometimes is just that, a struggle... but isn't this the way that it is suppose to be? I look back upon the times I cherish most in my life, and I can honestly say they did not come without struggle and pain.

Learning to walk did not come without bumps and bruises along the way.

Riding a bike, skates, or any other thing with wheels for that matter didn't come without the feeling of life out of control and my world crashing...literally!

Saying goodbye to the ones I loved to set out on my own in this great big world was met with loneliness and breathtaking reality of what adulthood really meant.

Meeting my husband was first preceeded by a time where I was convenced that I was unloveable and forgotten.

The birth of each of my children, with a time of carrying a most uncomfortable weight, longing to see their face, hold them in my arms, and breathe in that first breath of new life fresh from heaven itself.

Each move, each choice, each step in this walk of life is a struggle to believe in what is yet to be seen, yet to be transfered from the reality of realms...spirit to natural.

Yet it is worth the wait... as all things good are... Wings are strengthened so that flight can be higher than first thought possible. We are created to dream big dreams, so that we can in times like these learn to touch the bigness of our God and soar.

God has great plans for us... just outside... just past the struggle...is the truth of what is to be.

In Between

~David the anointed king finds himself hiding in a cave, running for his life. ~Moses the leader of his people runs away and moves to the desert. ~Ruth gives up everything to follow her mother-in-law, to find herself in the middle of a field gathering the scraps left behind by the harvesters. There is a place in between… a place beyond the thrill of the commission and the realization of the promise. The place in between. Where life is lived, where faith is honed, and where trust is made. The enemy whispers the age old lie…”Did God really say?” and It is here the choice must be made. Will I go back to what is comfortable… Will I walk away, or will I really stand… Will I raise the sword that has been placed in my hand. Will I use the shield that protects my heart and take the step to truly believe? It is a place of vulnerability, of confusion, and of doubt… It is a place of choice. . Where battles are won and lost and where warriors are made.

Random thoughts

As I come to the final months in 2011 and reflect on where God and I have walked this past year, I see that the journey although not at all at it’s final destination, has been further than I have expected.

It has been a path of strolling through meadows with the gentle breeze blowing thru my hair and whispers of I love you, to clinging to God as I walk… (sometimes all but run) through the valley of the shadow of death.
All the while learning some very valuable life changing lessons along the way. This year began with a whisper… “Truth in your inward being.” Quite honestly my persception was quite different than what God thought.
I assumed that it would be a year of God pouring truth into me…
I would become wise…
I would become closer to him…
I would show the world that I wasn’t the blonde they think I am.

God, however had other plans! God showed me, as painful as it was at the time, how empty I actually was.
That I had indeed lost my first love, and believed a lie.
He showed me that in my emptiness I was clinging so hard to what I couldn’t control, I was strangling those around me.
He showed me that what I believed to be truth about myself, about my husband, and about my friends and family was actually me filtered thru pain of the past.
He also showed me who He is… and who He has created me to be.
He has shown me that as I let go of who I think I should be, I have room to embrace who it is I have been created to be.
He restored my voice, strengthened my inward parts, and fashioned beauty for ashes.
He whispered of His deep love for me, and how he longed to see me as I truly am.
He took away my fear of not being in control and showed me how to fight.

I no longer have to cower and worry… I can now stand and declare He has set me free!
He has given me a longing to see others set free.
I long to take those so captivated by the past that their very breath seems to be sucked out of them and show them their future.
Show them that they are loved with an immeasurable love… I long to walk with them in their pain, as I am familiar with the path.
I long to hold them as all that they believe comes crashing down around them, because I know that after the weeping… Joy comes in the morning.
I do not know all the places that God is taking me, but I do know that there is a reason He has taught me to fight, there is a reason that He has shown me how deeply He loves me, and there is a reason I long to show this to others… and finally I can know that for now… that is enough for me!

Even now, what stirs your heart?

2 Kings Ch 11
Your job is to stay with the king at all times and places, coming and going.

Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere
God does not reveal himself as limitless in order to limit us. Quite the contrary. He wants to put his heart within us. “God did not save you to tame you!”

God is not looking for people who act like Christians. He wants us to be Christians! The word Christian means “anointed or Christ-like one.” Jesus didn’t go around “being good,”; he went around “doing good” and releasing all who were oppressed. What has he anointed you to do?

How will you respond when you are fully, dangerously awake? What history will you make? Will you, like the fierce lioness, awaken from a tranquilized state and rise up to defend your family, your community, your world? Are you awake? Even now, what stirs your heart?

Just as the men in the above scripture where charged; our job is to stay with the king at all times and places, coming and going. This must be our first and foremost obligation. Without this at the forefront of our daily lives all that follows is for nothing.

We try so hard to act like Christians, when this isn’t what God wants from us at all. He wants us to BE Christians. Not to act “Christ-like, but to BE Christ-like. “ how will we know what to do if we have no idea who he is and what he is doing?

We are not drones, that just walk around filling space, bumping into things and only spitting out what we have been programmed to do. We are, with the anointing of The King, a forced to be reckoned with. A voice to be heard above the deadening hum of the ordinary.

What stirs my heart? I want to see the lives of others change as they realize that they are free. I want to take them by the hand and show them who God has called them to be. I want to be with them to help them understand the gifts that they have hidden for so long and watch as they release them to soar. I want to be there as they pick up the weapon and turn and slay the enemy that has held them in bondage with a mere lie. I want to stand with them in the midst of their storm and together yell the battle cry… “I AM FREE! I WILL LIVE!”