Learning the Battle plan

Lord;
I am learning so much from you... Things that although they are simple (sometimes duh moments) they are sweet.

Things like how to battle my enemy. The importance of speaking out loud because he can’t read my mind. (like I said duh moments) It doesn’t have to be loud and full of drama, just stepping into the authority that you have given me and stating it!

Or Praying a blessing over my children... I sometimes think now that they are grown that they are out of my control, but as their Mother, I have been given the opportunity to pray blessing into their lives at any age!

Then comes today when you speak to me about a couple of things... Like being my provider ... you give me the story of Moses and how you brought back the baby to his mother when she thought he was gone forever. Or like David in the Psalms where he writes that you have blessed him and will never abandon him..... You also talked to me about making agreements with the whispers of my enemy. You have helped me to realize that just because things don’t go as I have planned that doesn’t mean that I have failed in some way. It has nothing to do with me measuring up. Condemnation is from my enemy and I need to break that agreement.

When this is done, I will then be free to hear the answer to my question... Who do you say that I am?

My heart is open Lord, I am listening....

Understanding who I was

Today during my God time I received a bit of insight as to what makes me who I was… Why I need to control. As I child I found that in order to bring control to my world, I was the one who needed to be the peace maker. Being the oldest girl the task fell to me to keep things running while mom was away. Unfortunately my other siblings didn’t always make it easy when I was in charge. I remember the frustration of just trying to get them to do what I wanted and feeling so inadequate when they refused to comply, I remember the dread of being in trouble when the parents did get home if things were not done as ordered, and the overwhelming feelings of the burden of keeping order even if it meant doing it myself just to keep the peace. I remember how lost I felt, how I wanted so much to get away from it all…. This has carried on into my adult world. I find myself constantly trying to fix any situation that I feel may be out of control or that brings discomfort just to keep the peace.

I have short changed you in the process God. I have fought you so that things look okay on the outside and never took into account that the chaos was a gift from you to bring healing and holiness within.

Lord, I also read that you changed Jacob’s name. You changed him from who he was to who you called him to be. Lord by what name do you call me? I see who I was, but I was wondering, who am I to you?

Yet, isn’t that the same question that you are asking me? Who do you say that I am? And in all honesty I would love to call you Lord and Master of my life. I would love to say that you have full control but I know that that would be a lie. I tend to fight you at every step no matter what my heart longs for. So instead I call you friend. You are one who walks with me and sees in me what I don’t dare see in myself. You are the one who dares me to let go of what brings me comfort so that you can unleash in me what brings me freedom.

Trust

Trust
Lord, this is what I would like 2009 to be defined by. When I look back I want to be able to say that it is the year that I began to actually trust you.

It amazes me that although I have walked with you for over 28 years now, I still fight you for control of my life. Why it is exactly that I struggle so hard to try to grab hold of something that is such a facade anyway is beyond me. Why do I get so frustrated when the slightest thing does not go exactly as planned? I battle so feverishly to match the longing in my heart with the reality of my life, yet it is only when I am not in control that the longing is realized.

When did I stop trusting those around me? When did my thinking change from allowing God to work in those around me to Mama knows best? I really don’t know the answer, but I know that things have to change. I have to open the clenched fist that has so carefully scooped all that surrounds me, good intentioned as it may be and let go. Not just of those I love, but of myself as well.

If I truly long to fly, I have to be willing to stand at the cliff of reality and wait for you to tell me to step instead of standing at a painting of life and try to jump in.

So Lord, today I stand before you, take a deep breath and let go. It is your choice if you wish to catch me or to let me fall. I no longer want to be in control. I want to trust!

Thoughts from Samuel- Hannah's hunger.

In my recent conversations with family, it has been suggested that I study Samuel to discover some of the truths that it may have to offer... Being the always obedient one that I am (she says tongue in cheek) this is what I have discovered so far.

1 Samuel 1:1-20 Hannah wanted! Hannah longed! Hannah was ridiculed! and Hannah was pacified by her husband.... but it wasn't until Hannah was in anguish and ready to sacrifice that God honored her prayer.

How many times do I find myself in that same situation....all too many to count. There are so many times that I have wanted, have longed even, for some situation in my life... all for very good reason I might add...

Unfortunately there are very few that I have refused to be pacified and instead moved to anguish and sacrifice. Not in some masochist kind of way... in the traditional sense anyway.

Looking back it has only been the times that are the hardest, when the anguish and sacrifice in my life is all that I can give to God that God in turn brings the greatest blessing.

If I am to fly as I long to do, to touch as I long to touch, to love even as I long to love then I must stop looking for the quick fix of someone pacifying me and move to the sacrificial life that God has called me to live. At times there will be anguish and so much pain that it seems to leave me gasping for breath, but I can be sure God will hear me and honor my prayer... and my life in a way that I could only imagine.... If I want it bad enough.

To begin again

After over a year of silence, I begin again. Not with fresh wisdom or new found resolution, but because I need to! I awoke in the middle of the night last night with a longing to find you again. A longing to share, to search, to walk down this path filled most days with so much fog I can do nothing except what is directly in front of me.

Since my last post there have been many events unfolding... some that have caused me to question, some that has caused me to seek and some that has caused me to walk away. I will not at this time go into the details, but will instead leave it with, I am not the person I once was.

The quest of the past year has been painful, but necessary to say the least. I have found out many things about myself.... For example I not only have lost more than 50 lbs, but have run 3 5k's... I am physically stronger and healthier than I have been in quite some time. I am also lacking in so much more than I have in quite some time.

So it is full circle that I come... seeking, walking, and exploring whatever is ahead.... Where it will take me, I have no idea, but I have no choice but to place one foot in front of the other and walk on.

What Now?

Life has been difficult lately. I am in the process of change, and I hate it! To tell the truth, I go kicking & screaming. I would much rather have things nice and predictable.

I am moving from the role of "mother raising kids" to "mother watching kids fly"

Don't get me wrong my kids are wonderful, I am very proud of them and I love to see them grow... I just wonder... What Now? How will things change from here? Will I really be able to meet the challange that is ahead?

I ran across a friend"s blog today, and thought I would share it. It speaks volumes to my heart.

A PRAYER FROM MY JOURNAL... FOR ME AND FOR US.Lord, So much of this life is lived in between; between the now and the not yet, between arriving and departing, between growing up and growing old, between questions and answers. Lord, help me... help us not to live for the distant day when the in-between will be no more, but help us have the courage to step into that sacred space of the in between --- knowing that this is a place where life is transformed.Psalm 46 is a good one! Well all the Psalms are good. They are songs that come from the heart. This Psalm talks about a tool that God uses to shape busy people like you and I: God speaks in a still small voice - He challenges us to turn down the roar of our lives in order to recognize His voice."Be Still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth. The Lord Almighty is with us." Being still is not doing nothing. Being still is about quieting ourselves and letting the character of God be where we place our trust. People who are willing to "be still" are better able to hear His "still small voice." Are you slowing down each day enough to hear his voice.---Terry

Pray for me would ya? It is dark in here right now, and the roar is deafening.

I'll keep you posted.

Freshness!

I just can't help it!!! With the newness of life fresh in the air, I can't help but feel alive and full of hope.
A friend of mine just gave birth to her second child... A beautiful baby boy! As I see the pics of him I am filled with awe! New life does this to me... I think there is nothing sweeter than a life just freshly kissed by the lips of God and sent here to impact His world!
It is easy for me during these times to contemplate my own life, revel in the gifts of life God has surrounded me with, and march on with new purpose, fresh focus, and a wonderful destiny waiting to be revealed!