What is love worth?

A very sad thing has happened this week. My son called to tell us that his wife cheated on him.
I was outraged to say the least. How could she?! I knew that they were having problems, my son and I talked several times about things. I was hoping and praying that it was going to all work out, that it was a time of adjustment and like all new marriages they would become stronger through the struggle…. But it didn’t. She chose a cheap and easy lie. WHAT SHE DID WAS WRONG!

I began to wonder. What is it that makes a person choose to hurt the one that they have proclaimed to love? The thought of doing this to my husband is so inconceivable to me. I love this man with every breath I take and the thought of throwing it away for anything is beyond my comprehension.

Then comes the all too familiar whisper to my heart… What about our love? My quick response is none different than that of Peter’s when he learned that He would betray Jesus. Not me Lord! I would die first! (Tammy paraphrased) But the truth is I do it every day…
I choose a minute of self gratification… of selfishness… of momentary plastic thrill over true love.

In my devotion time today, God continues to urge me to “be holy as He is holy” This isn’t some nose in the air type of false holiness. But I am learning today that it is more of a yearning from him than a command. Could he be saying The only way we can be together is if you make the daily choices to be close to me. To let go of the self gratification that is false and fleeting and choose to love me enough to work through our relationship instead of around it?

I am learning that we have to choose for ourselves what Love is worth. Will we endure and fight to make it work as my son tried so desperately to do? Will we lay down what it is that we want to bring about what is right for the relationship? ….Or will we sell it all for 20 minutes of cheap self gratification? The choice is our alone to make.

Follow me? Measuring stick.

I wonder today why it is that the human condition is to measure and compare ourselves with others. We as young girls know what it is to look in the mirror and wonder if it is enough... do we measure up? As adults we tend to transfer this to others.... do our children measure up... do our friends, family, coworkers, or anyone around us?

The question is measure up to what? Who is it that we are trying to conform ourselves to? If we are all chasing our tails in this quest where does that really leave us... other than really dizzy? Why is it that we so desperately try to conform those around us to be like us? For our own comfort? So that we have some standard to compare?

We are taught in our study of the bible that Paul says "Follow me as I follow Christ," yet we use this to try to change any new comer to "fit in."

This is one of those questions that seem to plague my thoughts from time to time. Something that God puts into my heart to ponder and chew on to change my thinking.

I have ran across a scripture out of the message bible...(I love how this bible reads btw... more of a heart song than old text to try and forge through)

Psalms 18:16-24
But me he caught- reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down, but GOD stuck by me. He stood me up on a wide-open field; I stood there saved- surprised to be loved! God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I'm alert to God's ways; I don't take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

Shouldn't this be the measuring stick that we use for those who God puts in our lives?
While I was drowning God saw value in me and reached for me.... When I was down and being kicked and hit God stuck by me.
God rewrote the text of my life... he gave me a fresh start....

There is value in those around me...not a need (or desire for that matter) for me to make others like me... Lord, help me to see people for who YOU have created them to be instead of what I feel comfortable to see them as.

Learning the Battle plan

Lord;
I am learning so much from you... Things that although they are simple (sometimes duh moments) they are sweet.

Things like how to battle my enemy. The importance of speaking out loud because he can’t read my mind. (like I said duh moments) It doesn’t have to be loud and full of drama, just stepping into the authority that you have given me and stating it!

Or Praying a blessing over my children... I sometimes think now that they are grown that they are out of my control, but as their Mother, I have been given the opportunity to pray blessing into their lives at any age!

Then comes today when you speak to me about a couple of things... Like being my provider ... you give me the story of Moses and how you brought back the baby to his mother when she thought he was gone forever. Or like David in the Psalms where he writes that you have blessed him and will never abandon him..... You also talked to me about making agreements with the whispers of my enemy. You have helped me to realize that just because things don’t go as I have planned that doesn’t mean that I have failed in some way. It has nothing to do with me measuring up. Condemnation is from my enemy and I need to break that agreement.

When this is done, I will then be free to hear the answer to my question... Who do you say that I am?

My heart is open Lord, I am listening....

Understanding who I was

Today during my God time I received a bit of insight as to what makes me who I was… Why I need to control. As I child I found that in order to bring control to my world, I was the one who needed to be the peace maker. Being the oldest girl the task fell to me to keep things running while mom was away. Unfortunately my other siblings didn’t always make it easy when I was in charge. I remember the frustration of just trying to get them to do what I wanted and feeling so inadequate when they refused to comply, I remember the dread of being in trouble when the parents did get home if things were not done as ordered, and the overwhelming feelings of the burden of keeping order even if it meant doing it myself just to keep the peace. I remember how lost I felt, how I wanted so much to get away from it all…. This has carried on into my adult world. I find myself constantly trying to fix any situation that I feel may be out of control or that brings discomfort just to keep the peace.

I have short changed you in the process God. I have fought you so that things look okay on the outside and never took into account that the chaos was a gift from you to bring healing and holiness within.

Lord, I also read that you changed Jacob’s name. You changed him from who he was to who you called him to be. Lord by what name do you call me? I see who I was, but I was wondering, who am I to you?

Yet, isn’t that the same question that you are asking me? Who do you say that I am? And in all honesty I would love to call you Lord and Master of my life. I would love to say that you have full control but I know that that would be a lie. I tend to fight you at every step no matter what my heart longs for. So instead I call you friend. You are one who walks with me and sees in me what I don’t dare see in myself. You are the one who dares me to let go of what brings me comfort so that you can unleash in me what brings me freedom.

Trust

Trust
Lord, this is what I would like 2009 to be defined by. When I look back I want to be able to say that it is the year that I began to actually trust you.

It amazes me that although I have walked with you for over 28 years now, I still fight you for control of my life. Why it is exactly that I struggle so hard to try to grab hold of something that is such a facade anyway is beyond me. Why do I get so frustrated when the slightest thing does not go exactly as planned? I battle so feverishly to match the longing in my heart with the reality of my life, yet it is only when I am not in control that the longing is realized.

When did I stop trusting those around me? When did my thinking change from allowing God to work in those around me to Mama knows best? I really don’t know the answer, but I know that things have to change. I have to open the clenched fist that has so carefully scooped all that surrounds me, good intentioned as it may be and let go. Not just of those I love, but of myself as well.

If I truly long to fly, I have to be willing to stand at the cliff of reality and wait for you to tell me to step instead of standing at a painting of life and try to jump in.

So Lord, today I stand before you, take a deep breath and let go. It is your choice if you wish to catch me or to let me fall. I no longer want to be in control. I want to trust!

Thoughts from Samuel- Hannah's hunger.

In my recent conversations with family, it has been suggested that I study Samuel to discover some of the truths that it may have to offer... Being the always obedient one that I am (she says tongue in cheek) this is what I have discovered so far.

1 Samuel 1:1-20 Hannah wanted! Hannah longed! Hannah was ridiculed! and Hannah was pacified by her husband.... but it wasn't until Hannah was in anguish and ready to sacrifice that God honored her prayer.

How many times do I find myself in that same situation....all too many to count. There are so many times that I have wanted, have longed even, for some situation in my life... all for very good reason I might add...

Unfortunately there are very few that I have refused to be pacified and instead moved to anguish and sacrifice. Not in some masochist kind of way... in the traditional sense anyway.

Looking back it has only been the times that are the hardest, when the anguish and sacrifice in my life is all that I can give to God that God in turn brings the greatest blessing.

If I am to fly as I long to do, to touch as I long to touch, to love even as I long to love then I must stop looking for the quick fix of someone pacifying me and move to the sacrificial life that God has called me to live. At times there will be anguish and so much pain that it seems to leave me gasping for breath, but I can be sure God will hear me and honor my prayer... and my life in a way that I could only imagine.... If I want it bad enough.

To begin again

After over a year of silence, I begin again. Not with fresh wisdom or new found resolution, but because I need to! I awoke in the middle of the night last night with a longing to find you again. A longing to share, to search, to walk down this path filled most days with so much fog I can do nothing except what is directly in front of me.

Since my last post there have been many events unfolding... some that have caused me to question, some that has caused me to seek and some that has caused me to walk away. I will not at this time go into the details, but will instead leave it with, I am not the person I once was.

The quest of the past year has been painful, but necessary to say the least. I have found out many things about myself.... For example I not only have lost more than 50 lbs, but have run 3 5k's... I am physically stronger and healthier than I have been in quite some time. I am also lacking in so much more than I have in quite some time.

So it is full circle that I come... seeking, walking, and exploring whatever is ahead.... Where it will take me, I have no idea, but I have no choice but to place one foot in front of the other and walk on.