Learning the Battle plan

Lord;
I am learning so much from you... Things that although they are simple (sometimes duh moments) they are sweet.

Things like how to battle my enemy. The importance of speaking out loud because he can’t read my mind. (like I said duh moments) It doesn’t have to be loud and full of drama, just stepping into the authority that you have given me and stating it!

Or Praying a blessing over my children... I sometimes think now that they are grown that they are out of my control, but as their Mother, I have been given the opportunity to pray blessing into their lives at any age!

Then comes today when you speak to me about a couple of things... Like being my provider ... you give me the story of Moses and how you brought back the baby to his mother when she thought he was gone forever. Or like David in the Psalms where he writes that you have blessed him and will never abandon him..... You also talked to me about making agreements with the whispers of my enemy. You have helped me to realize that just because things don’t go as I have planned that doesn’t mean that I have failed in some way. It has nothing to do with me measuring up. Condemnation is from my enemy and I need to break that agreement.

When this is done, I will then be free to hear the answer to my question... Who do you say that I am?

My heart is open Lord, I am listening....

Understanding who I was

Today during my God time I received a bit of insight as to what makes me who I was… Why I need to control. As I child I found that in order to bring control to my world, I was the one who needed to be the peace maker. Being the oldest girl the task fell to me to keep things running while mom was away. Unfortunately my other siblings didn’t always make it easy when I was in charge. I remember the frustration of just trying to get them to do what I wanted and feeling so inadequate when they refused to comply, I remember the dread of being in trouble when the parents did get home if things were not done as ordered, and the overwhelming feelings of the burden of keeping order even if it meant doing it myself just to keep the peace. I remember how lost I felt, how I wanted so much to get away from it all…. This has carried on into my adult world. I find myself constantly trying to fix any situation that I feel may be out of control or that brings discomfort just to keep the peace.

I have short changed you in the process God. I have fought you so that things look okay on the outside and never took into account that the chaos was a gift from you to bring healing and holiness within.

Lord, I also read that you changed Jacob’s name. You changed him from who he was to who you called him to be. Lord by what name do you call me? I see who I was, but I was wondering, who am I to you?

Yet, isn’t that the same question that you are asking me? Who do you say that I am? And in all honesty I would love to call you Lord and Master of my life. I would love to say that you have full control but I know that that would be a lie. I tend to fight you at every step no matter what my heart longs for. So instead I call you friend. You are one who walks with me and sees in me what I don’t dare see in myself. You are the one who dares me to let go of what brings me comfort so that you can unleash in me what brings me freedom.

Trust

Trust
Lord, this is what I would like 2009 to be defined by. When I look back I want to be able to say that it is the year that I began to actually trust you.

It amazes me that although I have walked with you for over 28 years now, I still fight you for control of my life. Why it is exactly that I struggle so hard to try to grab hold of something that is such a facade anyway is beyond me. Why do I get so frustrated when the slightest thing does not go exactly as planned? I battle so feverishly to match the longing in my heart with the reality of my life, yet it is only when I am not in control that the longing is realized.

When did I stop trusting those around me? When did my thinking change from allowing God to work in those around me to Mama knows best? I really don’t know the answer, but I know that things have to change. I have to open the clenched fist that has so carefully scooped all that surrounds me, good intentioned as it may be and let go. Not just of those I love, but of myself as well.

If I truly long to fly, I have to be willing to stand at the cliff of reality and wait for you to tell me to step instead of standing at a painting of life and try to jump in.

So Lord, today I stand before you, take a deep breath and let go. It is your choice if you wish to catch me or to let me fall. I no longer want to be in control. I want to trust!