There is a question that stirs my heart. The question asked in Wild Goose Chase…. “What is it that makes you cry, that makes you pound your fist on the table? “
There are many things in my life that I think would be nice to do. There are certain things that scare the crap out of me just to think about doing …. but there is only one thing that does both.
I can look at this thing and because of the fear that is there, I can just as easily talk myself out of it. I can look at my inability, my past failures, my knees knocking so loud that it is drowns out all other noise and walk away wondering what could or should have been.
And I have. I have erected a headstone in my mind that says something like “Here Lies Hope” and the dates of when it was alive and well in my heart. I close the door and reconcile in my heart that yet again somewhere I missed the mark and failed. I didn’t follow close enough. I didn’t run hard enough, I didn’t do this or didn’t do that. And I walk away.
John 11 tells of a time when hope was again buried. A friend of Jesus was sick and died. Lazarus’ sisters were devastated. Plans had not gone as they had assumed they would . Mary, one of the sisters of Lazarus had been the one that poured all that she had out at the feet of Jesus. A message had been sent to Jesus, a cry for help. Her brother was sick, but if anyone could heal him it was Jesus. She had faith. She had seen what he could do. Yet, He didn’t come and her beloved brother died. How she must have ached at the devastation of it all. I can relate to this type of pain. I know what it is to pour out all that I have and then have something tragic in my life happen. I stand in the face of the storm that pours and proclaim “MY GOD WILL NOT FAIL!” and then nothing happens. Circumstances go from bad to my worst fears becoming my reality. And I wonder, where did I go wrong? Hope is buried.
John 11:33-37 says “When Jesus saw (Mary) weeping, and all the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. Where have you laid him? Jesus asked, Come and see Lord, they replied. Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, See how he loved him! But some of them said, Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man, have kept this man from dying?” Here lies Hope! And yet this is not the end…
Mary like myself saw things in a certain way… we think if God only would do this, (it seems holy enough) then His name would be glorified in my life! But God had something else planned.
Yes, Jesus wept, he felt the devastation of hopes burial in the life of his friends. Suddenly, the command is given, roll away the stone. Just when I think that Hope is gone, I am willing to walk away and close the door I catch small glimpses of something out of the corner of my eye.
I am learning two things these days, God is leading me from the inside out. Not the other way around, and two sometimes what I think is the death of Hope in reality is the death of what I thought should happen and the resurrection of what truly should be.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Quit looking at your feet when you run!
I have began reading Wild Goose Chase by Mark Batterson. Although it has been around the house for I believe at least a year, this is the first that I have read past the back cover.
I have touted that God continues to ask, “Do you want to be safe, or do you want to live?” and although my hearts cry is to Live, my life actions have for far too long reacted as safe.
Oh there have been moments when I feel that I stand at the proverbial cliff and take a step, but I continually find myself scurrying back to safety at the first breeze that rocks the bridge that had suddenly appeared.
The first couple of chapters of the book Wild Goose Chase speak of a life of adventure, a life of following the Spirit of God instead of having the Spirit follow me. A quote and I suspect the reason for picking up the book in the first place, that seems to hit home is the following: “Most of us will have no idea where we are going most of the time, And I know that is unsettling, but circumstantial uncertainty also goes by another name….. ADVENTURE.
Why does this stir so much in me? Pain of past failures, uncertain futures and the fruitlessness of it all yet here again the thought of living life in abandonment to the Spirit awakens so much inside at each glance in that direction. I don’t want to live life in the cage of fear or failure.
And when brought to the Father as to why I keep getting disappointed in my efforts this is the response…. “Quit looking at your feet when you run.” Sounds bizzar I know, but I also know what He means. You see one of the mistakes I continue to make as a new runner is I concentrate on two things, both of which are wrong…. 1. I put way too much effort in beating my time instead of enjoying the run for the sake of running. And 2. I look down at my feet when I run instead of what is ahead. As long as I look at my feet and worry about what is directly in front of me, I loose focus on where I am going. My run becomes boring very quickly and I tire and just endure the task, but if I raise my eyes to what is ahead and continue on toward my goal, there is so much to take in along the way that the run is enjoyable. I learn to know what is up ahead and manuver around the obstacles instead of reacting as they pop up almost too late in my path.
So the eyes of my heart are once again lifted to the run that is ahead. I don’t want to be an inverted Christian exsisting day to day. I want to live dangerous. I don’t want to live to arrive at death safely. I hear the rusty cage door open, it is up to me to come out….. “let’s get daangerwous!”
I have touted that God continues to ask, “Do you want to be safe, or do you want to live?” and although my hearts cry is to Live, my life actions have for far too long reacted as safe.
Oh there have been moments when I feel that I stand at the proverbial cliff and take a step, but I continually find myself scurrying back to safety at the first breeze that rocks the bridge that had suddenly appeared.
The first couple of chapters of the book Wild Goose Chase speak of a life of adventure, a life of following the Spirit of God instead of having the Spirit follow me. A quote and I suspect the reason for picking up the book in the first place, that seems to hit home is the following: “Most of us will have no idea where we are going most of the time, And I know that is unsettling, but circumstantial uncertainty also goes by another name….. ADVENTURE.
Why does this stir so much in me? Pain of past failures, uncertain futures and the fruitlessness of it all yet here again the thought of living life in abandonment to the Spirit awakens so much inside at each glance in that direction. I don’t want to live life in the cage of fear or failure.
And when brought to the Father as to why I keep getting disappointed in my efforts this is the response…. “Quit looking at your feet when you run.” Sounds bizzar I know, but I also know what He means. You see one of the mistakes I continue to make as a new runner is I concentrate on two things, both of which are wrong…. 1. I put way too much effort in beating my time instead of enjoying the run for the sake of running. And 2. I look down at my feet when I run instead of what is ahead. As long as I look at my feet and worry about what is directly in front of me, I loose focus on where I am going. My run becomes boring very quickly and I tire and just endure the task, but if I raise my eyes to what is ahead and continue on toward my goal, there is so much to take in along the way that the run is enjoyable. I learn to know what is up ahead and manuver around the obstacles instead of reacting as they pop up almost too late in my path.
So the eyes of my heart are once again lifted to the run that is ahead. I don’t want to be an inverted Christian exsisting day to day. I want to live dangerous. I don’t want to live to arrive at death safely. I hear the rusty cage door open, it is up to me to come out….. “let’s get daangerwous!”
Sunday, April 12, 2009
You have no idea what I will show you!
For the first time last fall I planted tulips in the barrels next to my driveway. Each one was gently buried in the ground with care to make sure that they were properly planted so that this spring I would be able to enjoy their beauty. As fall turned to winter and the rains came, I would glance at the hidden treasure that I had waiting, smile knowing that after the rain there would be beauty where there was now barren muddy ground. Spring finally arrived and much to my delight, my tulips were breaking ground and bursting with color just like I had anticipated. They were beautiful! I would find reasons to walk outside just so that I could enjoy their beauty and make my heart smile. Then tragedy struck, I walked outside earlier this week and found my beautiful flowers ravaged by a passing family of deer. I was devastated.
Life has been very difficult these past few weeks to say the least. We are full of uncertainty, change, and shaky ground. What happened to the tulips was a type of what I was feeling happening over and over in my life. Hard work and beauty stolen and ravaged beyond recognition. I hurt!
“ Philip found Nathanael and told him, we have found the one Moses wrote about in the Law, and about whom the prophets also wrote- Jesus of Nazareth. The son of Joseph. Nazareth! Can anything good come from there? Nathanael asked. Come and see, said Philip. When Jesus saw Nathanael approaching, he said to him, here is a true Israelite. In whom there is nothing false. How do you know me! Nathanael asked. Jesus answered I saw you while you were still under the fig tree before Philip called you. Then Nathanael declared, Rabbi you are the son of God, you are the King of Israel
Jesus said, You believe because I told you I saw you under the fig tree. You shall see greater things than that!
While reading the above passage I began to wonder where Nathanael was at in his life. What was it that made him react as he did just by Jesus seeing him before Philip? Then I heard these same words spoken by Jesus to me…. Tammy I see you under the tree. I am not sure if Nathanael was in the same place as I am, but my heart reacted just as his did… I began to understand that Jesus was telling me He sees me where I am. And that brings comfort to my heart. But Jesus being the God that he is to me doesn’t leave it there…. He says to me You have no idea what I will show you! I think that my life is at a loss that I have come to the end of my walk and of my effectiveness’. That I have been thrown away, but God says you have no idea!
Then yesterday after a wonderful day riding with some new friends, I come home feeling content. It is then that I find out today’s plans are not going to go as planned… Once again I feel life is being stolen. I am instantly hurt and wounded! I am sick of being the victim and yet I don’t know how to react any other way. I am lost and overwhelmed. I close my eyes and sleep a restless night.
In the quiet of this morning I awaken. The house is still… my favorite time of the day. I grab my coffee and walk out on my deck. Determined to face the day with a new resolve. NO MORE VICTIM! I come before God and ask.” Lord, how do I do this and not lose who I am in the process? How do I be strong and yet not overpowering and hard?” The answer is simple. Look to me, God says for your definition, and your strength will come…. In my weakness He is made strong. God then says, I am not finished with you yet, you are so fearful of what may happen… I say Let not your heart be troubled, believe in me…. He then goes on to give me this…
Isaiah 49: 1-6
Listen to me, you island: hear this, you distant nations; Before I was born the Lord called me, from my birth he has made mention of my name. He made my mouth like a sharpened sword. In the shadow of his hand he hid me; he made me into a polished arrow and concealed me in his quiver. He said to me You are my servant, Israel, in whom I will display my splendor. But I said, I have labored to no purpose; I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing. Yet what is due me is in the Lord’s hand and my reward is with my God. And now the Lord says- he who formed me in the womb to be his servant to bring Jacob back to him and gather Israel to himself, for I am honored in the eyes of the Lord and my God has been my strength- He says: It is too small a thing for you to be my servant to restore the tribes of Jacob and bring back those of Israel I have kept I will also make you a light for the Gentiles, that you may bring my salvation to the ends of the earth.
He then explained: What I have interpreted as being overlooked and passed by has really been Him concealing me in his quiver until just the right time.
I don’t know when that time is, but I do know that where once was devastation, hope is brewing.. I am beginning to see things a bit differently now… I am anxiously waiting as God again whispers, “You have no idea what I will show you!”
Life has been very difficult these past few weeks to say the least. We are full of uncertainty, change, and shaky ground. What happened to the tulips was a type of what I was feeling happening over and over in my life. Hard work and beauty stolen and ravaged beyond recognition. I hurt!
“ Philip found Nathanael and told him, we have found the one Moses wrote about in the Law, and about whom the prophets also wrote- Jesus of Nazareth. The son of Joseph. Nazareth! Can anything good come from there? Nathanael asked. Come and see, said Philip. When Jesus saw Nathanael approaching, he said to him, here is a true Israelite. In whom there is nothing false. How do you know me! Nathanael asked. Jesus answered I saw you while you were still under the fig tree before Philip called you. Then Nathanael declared, Rabbi you are the son of God, you are the King of Israel
Jesus said, You believe because I told you I saw you under the fig tree. You shall see greater things than that!
While reading the above passage I began to wonder where Nathanael was at in his life. What was it that made him react as he did just by Jesus seeing him before Philip? Then I heard these same words spoken by Jesus to me…. Tammy I see you under the tree. I am not sure if Nathanael was in the same place as I am, but my heart reacted just as his did… I began to understand that Jesus was telling me He sees me where I am. And that brings comfort to my heart. But Jesus being the God that he is to me doesn’t leave it there…. He says to me You have no idea what I will show you! I think that my life is at a loss that I have come to the end of my walk and of my effectiveness’. That I have been thrown away, but God says you have no idea!
Then yesterday after a wonderful day riding with some new friends, I come home feeling content. It is then that I find out today’s plans are not going to go as planned… Once again I feel life is being stolen. I am instantly hurt and wounded! I am sick of being the victim and yet I don’t know how to react any other way. I am lost and overwhelmed. I close my eyes and sleep a restless night.
In the quiet of this morning I awaken. The house is still… my favorite time of the day. I grab my coffee and walk out on my deck. Determined to face the day with a new resolve. NO MORE VICTIM! I come before God and ask.” Lord, how do I do this and not lose who I am in the process? How do I be strong and yet not overpowering and hard?” The answer is simple. Look to me, God says for your definition, and your strength will come…. In my weakness He is made strong. God then says, I am not finished with you yet, you are so fearful of what may happen… I say Let not your heart be troubled, believe in me…. He then goes on to give me this…
Isaiah 49: 1-6
Listen to me, you island: hear this, you distant nations; Before I was born the Lord called me, from my birth he has made mention of my name. He made my mouth like a sharpened sword. In the shadow of his hand he hid me; he made me into a polished arrow and concealed me in his quiver. He said to me You are my servant, Israel, in whom I will display my splendor. But I said, I have labored to no purpose; I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing. Yet what is due me is in the Lord’s hand and my reward is with my God. And now the Lord says- he who formed me in the womb to be his servant to bring Jacob back to him and gather Israel to himself, for I am honored in the eyes of the Lord and my God has been my strength- He says: It is too small a thing for you to be my servant to restore the tribes of Jacob and bring back those of Israel I have kept I will also make you a light for the Gentiles, that you may bring my salvation to the ends of the earth.
He then explained: What I have interpreted as being overlooked and passed by has really been Him concealing me in his quiver until just the right time.
I don’t know when that time is, but I do know that where once was devastation, hope is brewing.. I am beginning to see things a bit differently now… I am anxiously waiting as God again whispers, “You have no idea what I will show you!”
Saturday, February 21, 2009
What is love worth?
A very sad thing has happened this week. My son called to tell us that his wife cheated on him.
I was outraged to say the least. How could she?! I knew that they were having problems, my son and I talked several times about things. I was hoping and praying that it was going to all work out, that it was a time of adjustment and like all new marriages they would become stronger through the struggle…. But it didn’t. She chose a cheap and easy lie. WHAT SHE DID WAS WRONG!
I began to wonder. What is it that makes a person choose to hurt the one that they have proclaimed to love? The thought of doing this to my husband is so inconceivable to me. I love this man with every breath I take and the thought of throwing it away for anything is beyond my comprehension.
Then comes the all too familiar whisper to my heart… What about our love? My quick response is none different than that of Peter’s when he learned that He would betray Jesus. Not me Lord! I would die first! (Tammy paraphrased) But the truth is I do it every day…
I choose a minute of self gratification… of selfishness… of momentary plastic thrill over true love.
In my devotion time today, God continues to urge me to “be holy as He is holy” This isn’t some nose in the air type of false holiness. But I am learning today that it is more of a yearning from him than a command. Could he be saying The only way we can be together is if you make the daily choices to be close to me. To let go of the self gratification that is false and fleeting and choose to love me enough to work through our relationship instead of around it?
I am learning that we have to choose for ourselves what Love is worth. Will we endure and fight to make it work as my son tried so desperately to do? Will we lay down what it is that we want to bring about what is right for the relationship? ….Or will we sell it all for 20 minutes of cheap self gratification? The choice is our alone to make.
I was outraged to say the least. How could she?! I knew that they were having problems, my son and I talked several times about things. I was hoping and praying that it was going to all work out, that it was a time of adjustment and like all new marriages they would become stronger through the struggle…. But it didn’t. She chose a cheap and easy lie. WHAT SHE DID WAS WRONG!
I began to wonder. What is it that makes a person choose to hurt the one that they have proclaimed to love? The thought of doing this to my husband is so inconceivable to me. I love this man with every breath I take and the thought of throwing it away for anything is beyond my comprehension.
Then comes the all too familiar whisper to my heart… What about our love? My quick response is none different than that of Peter’s when he learned that He would betray Jesus. Not me Lord! I would die first! (Tammy paraphrased) But the truth is I do it every day…
I choose a minute of self gratification… of selfishness… of momentary plastic thrill over true love.
In my devotion time today, God continues to urge me to “be holy as He is holy” This isn’t some nose in the air type of false holiness. But I am learning today that it is more of a yearning from him than a command. Could he be saying The only way we can be together is if you make the daily choices to be close to me. To let go of the self gratification that is false and fleeting and choose to love me enough to work through our relationship instead of around it?
I am learning that we have to choose for ourselves what Love is worth. Will we endure and fight to make it work as my son tried so desperately to do? Will we lay down what it is that we want to bring about what is right for the relationship? ….Or will we sell it all for 20 minutes of cheap self gratification? The choice is our alone to make.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Follow me? Measuring stick.
I wonder today why it is that the human condition is to measure and compare ourselves with others. We as young girls know what it is to look in the mirror and wonder if it is enough... do we measure up? As adults we tend to transfer this to others.... do our children measure up... do our friends, family, coworkers, or anyone around us?
The question is measure up to what? Who is it that we are trying to conform ourselves to? If we are all chasing our tails in this quest where does that really leave us... other than really dizzy? Why is it that we so desperately try to conform those around us to be like us? For our own comfort? So that we have some standard to compare?
We are taught in our study of the bible that Paul says "Follow me as I follow Christ," yet we use this to try to change any new comer to "fit in."
This is one of those questions that seem to plague my thoughts from time to time. Something that God puts into my heart to ponder and chew on to change my thinking.
I have ran across a scripture out of the message bible...(I love how this bible reads btw... more of a heart song than old text to try and forge through)
Psalms 18:16-24
But me he caught- reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down, but GOD stuck by me. He stood me up on a wide-open field; I stood there saved- surprised to be loved! God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I'm alert to God's ways; I don't take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.
Shouldn't this be the measuring stick that we use for those who God puts in our lives?
While I was drowning God saw value in me and reached for me.... When I was down and being kicked and hit God stuck by me.
God rewrote the text of my life... he gave me a fresh start....
There is value in those around me...not a need (or desire for that matter) for me to make others like me... Lord, help me to see people for who YOU have created them to be instead of what I feel comfortable to see them as.
The question is measure up to what? Who is it that we are trying to conform ourselves to? If we are all chasing our tails in this quest where does that really leave us... other than really dizzy? Why is it that we so desperately try to conform those around us to be like us? For our own comfort? So that we have some standard to compare?
We are taught in our study of the bible that Paul says "Follow me as I follow Christ," yet we use this to try to change any new comer to "fit in."
This is one of those questions that seem to plague my thoughts from time to time. Something that God puts into my heart to ponder and chew on to change my thinking.
I have ran across a scripture out of the message bible...(I love how this bible reads btw... more of a heart song than old text to try and forge through)
Psalms 18:16-24
But me he caught- reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down, but GOD stuck by me. He stood me up on a wide-open field; I stood there saved- surprised to be loved! God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I'm alert to God's ways; I don't take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.
Shouldn't this be the measuring stick that we use for those who God puts in our lives?
While I was drowning God saw value in me and reached for me.... When I was down and being kicked and hit God stuck by me.
God rewrote the text of my life... he gave me a fresh start....
There is value in those around me...not a need (or desire for that matter) for me to make others like me... Lord, help me to see people for who YOU have created them to be instead of what I feel comfortable to see them as.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Learning the Battle plan
Lord;
I am learning so much from you... Things that although they are simple (sometimes duh moments) they are sweet.
Things like how to battle my enemy. The importance of speaking out loud because he can’t read my mind. (like I said duh moments) It doesn’t have to be loud and full of drama, just stepping into the authority that you have given me and stating it!
Or Praying a blessing over my children... I sometimes think now that they are grown that they are out of my control, but as their Mother, I have been given the opportunity to pray blessing into their lives at any age!
Then comes today when you speak to me about a couple of things... Like being my provider ... you give me the story of Moses and how you brought back the baby to his mother when she thought he was gone forever. Or like David in the Psalms where he writes that you have blessed him and will never abandon him..... You also talked to me about making agreements with the whispers of my enemy. You have helped me to realize that just because things don’t go as I have planned that doesn’t mean that I have failed in some way. It has nothing to do with me measuring up. Condemnation is from my enemy and I need to break that agreement.
When this is done, I will then be free to hear the answer to my question... Who do you say that I am?
My heart is open Lord, I am listening....
I am learning so much from you... Things that although they are simple (sometimes duh moments) they are sweet.
Things like how to battle my enemy. The importance of speaking out loud because he can’t read my mind. (like I said duh moments) It doesn’t have to be loud and full of drama, just stepping into the authority that you have given me and stating it!
Or Praying a blessing over my children... I sometimes think now that they are grown that they are out of my control, but as their Mother, I have been given the opportunity to pray blessing into their lives at any age!
Then comes today when you speak to me about a couple of things... Like being my provider ... you give me the story of Moses and how you brought back the baby to his mother when she thought he was gone forever. Or like David in the Psalms where he writes that you have blessed him and will never abandon him..... You also talked to me about making agreements with the whispers of my enemy. You have helped me to realize that just because things don’t go as I have planned that doesn’t mean that I have failed in some way. It has nothing to do with me measuring up. Condemnation is from my enemy and I need to break that agreement.
When this is done, I will then be free to hear the answer to my question... Who do you say that I am?
My heart is open Lord, I am listening....
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Understanding who I was
Today during my God time I received a bit of insight as to what makes me who I was… Why I need to control. As I child I found that in order to bring control to my world, I was the one who needed to be the peace maker. Being the oldest girl the task fell to me to keep things running while mom was away. Unfortunately my other siblings didn’t always make it easy when I was in charge. I remember the frustration of just trying to get them to do what I wanted and feeling so inadequate when they refused to comply, I remember the dread of being in trouble when the parents did get home if things were not done as ordered, and the overwhelming feelings of the burden of keeping order even if it meant doing it myself just to keep the peace. I remember how lost I felt, how I wanted so much to get away from it all…. This has carried on into my adult world. I find myself constantly trying to fix any situation that I feel may be out of control or that brings discomfort just to keep the peace.
I have short changed you in the process God. I have fought you so that things look okay on the outside and never took into account that the chaos was a gift from you to bring healing and holiness within.
Lord, I also read that you changed Jacob’s name. You changed him from who he was to who you called him to be. Lord by what name do you call me? I see who I was, but I was wondering, who am I to you?
Yet, isn’t that the same question that you are asking me? Who do you say that I am? And in all honesty I would love to call you Lord and Master of my life. I would love to say that you have full control but I know that that would be a lie. I tend to fight you at every step no matter what my heart longs for. So instead I call you friend. You are one who walks with me and sees in me what I don’t dare see in myself. You are the one who dares me to let go of what brings me comfort so that you can unleash in me what brings me freedom.
I have short changed you in the process God. I have fought you so that things look okay on the outside and never took into account that the chaos was a gift from you to bring healing and holiness within.
Lord, I also read that you changed Jacob’s name. You changed him from who he was to who you called him to be. Lord by what name do you call me? I see who I was, but I was wondering, who am I to you?
Yet, isn’t that the same question that you are asking me? Who do you say that I am? And in all honesty I would love to call you Lord and Master of my life. I would love to say that you have full control but I know that that would be a lie. I tend to fight you at every step no matter what my heart longs for. So instead I call you friend. You are one who walks with me and sees in me what I don’t dare see in myself. You are the one who dares me to let go of what brings me comfort so that you can unleash in me what brings me freedom.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Trust
Trust
Lord, this is what I would like 2009 to be defined by. When I look back I want to be able to say that it is the year that I began to actually trust you.
It amazes me that although I have walked with you for over 28 years now, I still fight you for control of my life. Why it is exactly that I struggle so hard to try to grab hold of something that is such a facade anyway is beyond me. Why do I get so frustrated when the slightest thing does not go exactly as planned? I battle so feverishly to match the longing in my heart with the reality of my life, yet it is only when I am not in control that the longing is realized.
When did I stop trusting those around me? When did my thinking change from allowing God to work in those around me to Mama knows best? I really don’t know the answer, but I know that things have to change. I have to open the clenched fist that has so carefully scooped all that surrounds me, good intentioned as it may be and let go. Not just of those I love, but of myself as well.
If I truly long to fly, I have to be willing to stand at the cliff of reality and wait for you to tell me to step instead of standing at a painting of life and try to jump in.
So Lord, today I stand before you, take a deep breath and let go. It is your choice if you wish to catch me or to let me fall. I no longer want to be in control. I want to trust!
Lord, this is what I would like 2009 to be defined by. When I look back I want to be able to say that it is the year that I began to actually trust you.
It amazes me that although I have walked with you for over 28 years now, I still fight you for control of my life. Why it is exactly that I struggle so hard to try to grab hold of something that is such a facade anyway is beyond me. Why do I get so frustrated when the slightest thing does not go exactly as planned? I battle so feverishly to match the longing in my heart with the reality of my life, yet it is only when I am not in control that the longing is realized.
When did I stop trusting those around me? When did my thinking change from allowing God to work in those around me to Mama knows best? I really don’t know the answer, but I know that things have to change. I have to open the clenched fist that has so carefully scooped all that surrounds me, good intentioned as it may be and let go. Not just of those I love, but of myself as well.
If I truly long to fly, I have to be willing to stand at the cliff of reality and wait for you to tell me to step instead of standing at a painting of life and try to jump in.
So Lord, today I stand before you, take a deep breath and let go. It is your choice if you wish to catch me or to let me fall. I no longer want to be in control. I want to trust!
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