Trust

Trust
Lord, this is what I would like 2009 to be defined by. When I look back I want to be able to say that it is the year that I began to actually trust you.

It amazes me that although I have walked with you for over 28 years now, I still fight you for control of my life. Why it is exactly that I struggle so hard to try to grab hold of something that is such a facade anyway is beyond me. Why do I get so frustrated when the slightest thing does not go exactly as planned? I battle so feverishly to match the longing in my heart with the reality of my life, yet it is only when I am not in control that the longing is realized.

When did I stop trusting those around me? When did my thinking change from allowing God to work in those around me to Mama knows best? I really don’t know the answer, but I know that things have to change. I have to open the clenched fist that has so carefully scooped all that surrounds me, good intentioned as it may be and let go. Not just of those I love, but of myself as well.

If I truly long to fly, I have to be willing to stand at the cliff of reality and wait for you to tell me to step instead of standing at a painting of life and try to jump in.

So Lord, today I stand before you, take a deep breath and let go. It is your choice if you wish to catch me or to let me fall. I no longer want to be in control. I want to trust!